One cause of Difficult Conversations

A key shift in moving towards more relational practice, referred to in threads running through many of these blog pieces, is building trust and a shared sense of psychological safety. One early way of learning how to make this shift has been learning how to hold – with respect and mutual regard – so-called difficult conversations. The need for these can arise in many ways, and here’s just one example: untended wounds, that, unaddressed, just fester.

People – like pears – decay from the inside. Grey mould (botrytis cineraria) infects wounded pears. By the time decay appears, the fruit has spoiled on the inside. Untended wounds become rot.

Unspoken expectations cause wounds
You poison yourself when you expect others to conform to unspoken expectations. You didn’t explain that being on time for meetings is mandatory. After all, everyone should know that. Things everyone “should know” give birth to offences.

Solution
Courageously establish standards and boundaries.

Negative assumptions cause untended wounds
You’re in danger of rotting from the inside when you assume negative intentions. A team member offers a different approach in a meeting. You assume they want to make you look bad. When you think you know, assume you don’t.

• Insincerity. Their kind words are insincere manipulations.
• Excluding. You didn’t get invited to the meeting, so you assume a plot.
• Disrespect. You might assume lack of warmth means you’re not respected.
• Jealousy. Someone disagrees with you and you assume they’re jealous.

Solution
Assume the best until there’s clear evidence you’re wrong.

Untended wounds justify self-serving behaviours
You don’t see your own self-serving actions when wounds turn to anger and resentment. Eventually, it’s obvious to others. Conversations fuelled by anger are often self-serving. Anger builds up because you didn’t get something important to you. Before long, anger turns to blame or bitterness. Eventually, dark emotions give you courage to say something you should have said long ago.

Are you feeling offended but haven’t brought it up? Secret offences corrupt your perspective. An offended person – who doesn’t speak up – finds reasons to justify a grudge.

Solutions
Ruminating indicates rot. Bring up concerns before they infect. So here’s a strong tip: Consistently practice gratitude. The practice of gratitude elevates you above the poison of resentment.